Nick Hornsby's Got Nothing On Me

I'm imminently off to Chicago for Wrigley Field-age, Art Institute-age and Drake Hotel Wedding-age, so I won't be able to write/post/read for the rest of the weekend. So in my absence, some list making:

The Top Ten Romantic Couples in Literature (According to the Flitgirl)

10. Lord Peter Wimsey and Harriet Vane -- Dorothy L. Sayers mysteries
(Placet-ne, magistra? Placet)

9. Elnora Comstock and Phillip Ammond -- A Girl of the Limberlost
The first half of the book is all about Elnora's growth to womanhood and reconciliation with her mother in swamps of the Limberlost. But once city-boy Phillip appears, Elnora truly meets her match. He's smart and devoted and honorable, she's smart and original and honorable.

8. Leda Etoile and Samuel Gerard -- The Shadow and the Star
My favorite romance, and the loveliest depiction of people finding their true match in spite of their anglings otherwise.

7. Natasha and Andrei -- War and Peace
They don't end up together, but while they are, they are simply electric to read about. Andrei's death scene is one of the most moving pieces of literature I've ever read: aesthetically, spiritually and romantically. And while Andrei's death is supposed to mature Natasha, I liked her better when they were together.

6. Emma Woodhouse and Mr. (Edmund?) Knightly -- Emma
Austen knew how to write all kinds of love relationships, and this is one of her best. He starts out paternalistic, she starts out pert and full-of-herself. By the end, they've each realized how much they have yet to learn about the other.

5. Beatrice and Benedick -- Much Ado About Nothing
It's been 500 years and still no one's matched Shakespeare's depiction of love-to-hate-you-lovers. The passion in their wicked insults is so barely disguised, it's cathartic when they finally admit the love they felt all along.

4. Jane Eyre and Mr. (Edward) Rochester -- Jane Eyre
The book that launched a thousand Gothic novels is of course so much more than that. At the heart is Jane's personal/spiritual development, but the evolution of Jane and Rochester from unequals in love to true partners is thrilling no matter how many times you read it.

3. Anne Shirley and Gilbert Blythe -- the Anne series
How often does one get to explore a romance from beginning ("Carrots!") to, if not end, then comfortable late middle-age? Gilbert was my dream boyfriend when I was young: kind, funny, friendly, but deeply, passionately, wonderfully in love.

2. Lizzie Bennett and Mr. Darcy -- Pride and Prejudice
The prototypical "He hates me, no he loooooves me" story and still the best done. Don't we all wish we were one-third as witty while flirting?

1. Anne Elliot and Fredrick Wentworth -- Persuasion
My favorite book, my favorite characters. I'm a sucker for (re)declarations of love via letter. But was there ever a more perfectly matched pairing of personalities in print with a more beautifully executed love story?

Those are my top 10 today. Ask me next week and I may give you a different answer. If you haven't read any of these books, please do. And tell the DSW, who are your favorite couples?

Bring on the Mad-Libs

He pumped his piglet when he saw her thrust her clavicle.
Now, can he lick her stunted mint? Find out in…

Love’s Sticky Campfire.

Oh, sweet Lord. The Smart Bitches have a Mad Lib posting on their website. Have you done it yet? If not, you really should. Scan what everyone else came up with, too. Personally I'm a big fan of Love's Awkward Fisherman and Love's Tight Fur Coat... and I may just have to change Revising Mr. Right to Love's Sticky Campfire!


You should also share with the DSW your title and tagline. Please, please! I want to laugh until I snort chocolate milk out my nose.

Late, As Usual

I'm coming late to the recent no-hold-barred discussion about snark and reviews that waged across the romance blogosphere (no surprise for anyone with first hand knowledge of my time-keeping skills). Kate D. did an admirable job of keeping all damned scribblers up to date on the dispute and adding her own judicious opinion to the mess.

Recently, though, I've been thinking of that debate in context of the reviews on this site. I love reading snark. I visit Television Without Pity regularly. I've long been a fan of Mrs. Giggles and the Smart Bitches. They're funny! They write well. They can be mean, no question, but they make me laugh.

And they get a lot of web traffic. Far more than humble little Damned Scribbling Women. I can see why. Romance reviews--and specifically, funny, biting reviews--will appeal to far more people than the assortment of writing updates, reviews, links and rants we feature. But I don't write that way, and it's not because I'm incapable of the art of the humorous put down or because I like everything I read or because I'm just so sweet and sugary all the time and think the world is made of candy and rainbows.

For the most part, I only write reviews of books I liked. I read a lot of other books, some quite stinky, some merely mediocre, but I don't review them. It's partly because I don't enjoy revisiting a subpar book if I don't have to. But it's also, on a more cynical level, because my goal in this industry is not to be a reviewer or run a great website. It's to be a writer.

We've all heard the horror stories about ill-conceived emails that cost people jobs or dates or friends. About blogs and websites that came to the notice of employers. I hope to become a peer to the women whose books I review, and I know this website will live on in some fashion long after Kate and I accomplish our goals. So I try to review as though I am already their peer, a fellow author.

Fortunately, the web is big enough for everyone and for all kinds of reviews and voices. We can each find her particular poison, whether it's smart reviews of "trashy" books or recommendations from published authors or a sanctuary for readers or the sporadic musings of two unpublished wannabes.

Kate's philosophy may be a little different than mine (and I hope she'll elaborate in the comments), but this is what guides my reviewing. Other bloggers, what guides yours?

Kate D's Auntie Update

Remember when I announced that my brother and his wife are having babies? Yes, triplets to be exact. Well, yesterday they found out the sex for their little bundles of joy... and I discovered that I'm going to have three nephews.

My poor sister-in-law. She's going to be surrounded by testosterone! And if they're anything like we were growing up... well, they'll be raising a house full of spirited little monsters. (My brother, by the way, is so excited. The first thing he said to me was, "This is great! I'm not gonna have to buy a shotgun before prom!")

Those of you who were waiting to make yarn purchases can stock up on blue. As for the rest of you... they're currently at a loss for one more male name and think they may want something that starts with a "C." Any suggestions?

Chick Power

I was delighted to see Libba Bray's web link devoted to the songs she listened to while writing A Great and Terrible Beauty. Because I, too, love a good playlist I will soon be posting an entry on songs that inspired Revising Mr. Right.

In the mean time, however, I submit to you the Dixie Chicks.

Let it first be mentioned that I love a good female bluegrass band. Let it also be said that, as a Civics teacher, I am a firm believer in free speech. And finally, as a feminist I think it's worth noting that the Chicks are the first female group in American music chart history to have three albums debut at #1.

They are also, however, one of the most controversial acts to ever play the Grand Old Opry. This Wikipedia entry summarizes their intriguing free speech brouhaha, but of course I can't resist giving you my own version! Basically, traditional country music fans' adoration of the Chicks turned to loathing when they criticized George W. Bush during a 2003 London concert. This faux pas engendered boycotts on most country radio stations, caused former listeners to toss their CDs under bulldozers and, of course, inspired the ever popular avalanche of death threats.

The protesters explained their disgust with the Chicks' actions as follows: "entertainers don't have a right to talk about their personal beliefs in music." Yet if that is the case, why do these same people love Toby Keith's song Red, White, and Blue? Why do they cheer at concerts when he shows doctored photos of Chicks singer Natalie Maines cuddled up to Saddam Hussein?

Back in 2003, even Diane Sawyer jumped on their cases and told them that people aren't allowed to criticize the president's choices unless they offer a planned out political alternative. (Um... what?)

Maines responded to Sawyer with a Theodore Roosevelt quote: "To announce that there must be no criticism of the president or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong is not only unpatriotic and servile but is morally treasonable to the American public."

Speak softly and carry a big stick, indeed.

Readers, I have no notion of what you may believe politically. Whatever your views are, I respect your right to have them. That's my brand of patriotism. But I also agree with Times author Josh Tyrangiel that, "however you vote, it's tough to deny that by gambling their careers, [these] three Texas women have the biggest balls in American music."

Because of their courage, and because I enjoy their musical talent, I frequently listen to their albums. Home and Fly have lately dominated my CD player, and I've added tracks from Taking the Long Way to my Revising Mr. Right playlist. At some point, I'll be posting that playlist in full. But in the mean time, I encourage our readers to celebrate the basic human right to free speech... and by standing up for your own beliefs, as well.

And to all my fellow American scribbling women out there: Happy Independence Day.

A Moment to Boast

The Wedding Widow has had its first review...sort of. I just heard from one of the authors I sent it to. She said she's read through chapter four and thinks it's WONDERFUL so far. That's how she wrote it! All caps. She thinks my characters are vivid, my writing's great and she's hooked and surprised by how much she likes it!

Sorry for the braggadocio, but I need to store away every good moment as fuel for when the inevitable rejections come.

I have to say, I'm feeling pretty good right now.

Kate's June Reading: Lightning Log

Though I didn't title it as such, I did a lightning log back in March. Since then, I've confined myself to long-form reviews. But then I made my monthly pilgrimage over to Tara Marie's book list, and it occurred to me that some readers might appreciate a basic review list with no frills... a TBR index, if you will.

So. My rating scale is in the sidebar, if you need a refresher. If I did a longer review of the title in question, there's a link to it. I arranged the books by rating. Unless you loathe the author or genre, you should check out the "superb" titles. I think the "very good" books are definitely worth a glance, too. If you like an author or genre, you should exercise your discretion over the "good" ones. As always, this list represents my own personal opinion... but I flatter myself it will be useful for the rest of you!

A Great and Terrible Beauty – Gothic Young Adult (Libba Bray) – Superb

The Runaway Heiress – Historical: Western (Stef Ann Holm) – Superb

A Hunger Like No Other – Paranormal (Kresley Cole) – Superb

Ex and the Single Girl – Chick Lit (Lani Diane Rich) – Suberb

To Wed a Scandalous Spy – Regency, 1st in series (Celeste Bradley) – Superb

One Night With a Spy – Regency, 3rd in series (Celeste Bradley) – Superb

Surrender to a Wicked Spy – Regency, 2nd in series (Celeste Bradley) – Very Good

Three Little Secrets – Angsty Regency, 3rd in trilogy (Liz Carlyle) – Very Good

Time off for Good Behavior – Chick Lit (Lani Diane Rich) – Very Good

She Woke Up Married – Contemporary (Suzanne MacPherson) – Very Good

Undressed – Contemporary (Stef Ann Holm) – Very Good

His Every Kiss – Regency, 2nd in trilogy (Laura Lee Guhrke) – Very Good

Friday Review -- The Perfect Stranger

I'm always looking for new Regency/Historical authors, as my old favorites don't publish as often as I would like and as much as I've come to appreciate contemporary romance, it just doesn't sell the conventions in the same way that historicals do. Secret babies? Much better in historicals. Marriages of convenience? Ditto. Anne Gracie's The Perfect Stranger takes the marriage of convenience convention and spins a lovely story out of it.

Stranger is the third in her "Perfect" series about a gaggle of sisters who lost their parents at a young age, survived years under their abusive grandfather's brutal hand and are now searching for the "love and laughter and music and sunshine" that their mother once promised they would have as adults. I previously read the first two books in the series. The first, The Perfect Rake, I found enjoyable but nothing special. A little too precious for my tastes. The second, The Perfect Waltz, I lost interest in halfway through and abandoned. There was nothing wrong with it, but it felt like so many other "innocent-but-spirited young girl in London captures attention of nobleman with some minor problem" stories.

I was a little trepidatious about giving Gracie another chance, but the back cover blurb drew me in. I'm happy to report that Stranger was, in Kate's termination, Very Good and bordering on Superb.

First, a little plot: Faith Merridew is alone and abandoned in France just after the Napoleonic Wars. She followed an itinerant musician to Paris, where she thought they were married, and lived with him for a month. Turns out he's lied about his identity, his nationality and his marital status -- he's got a wife and five kids back in Hungary (or Bulgaria, I can't remember which was the fake nationality and which was the real).

Penniless and ruined, Faith flees. She's on the verge of being caught and raped by some miscreants when she finds a former English soldier on the beach, who protects her. After learning her sad story, Nicholas commits to a marriage of convenience with Faith. He'll give her his good name, send her back to his mother in England and then continue with two of his soldier friends on what he calls his "mission." But Faith refuses to leave his side after they're married and sets about becoming a good soldier's wife, much to Nicholas' reluctant pleasure.

There's considerable angst in the protagonists' situation, which I always enjoy. And Gracie does a wonderful job with Nicholas and Faith's relationship. Of course he would marry her, and of course she would take her vows seriously and want to be a true wife to him. And of course they would fall in love in exactly the way they do -- and of course he would continue to push her away, given his predicament. The characters are both appealing, behave in ways admirable and pigheaded but always believable, and the dilemmas don't feel contrived. The secondary characters are also interesting. For once a secondary romance doesn't feel like a way to rot the time spent away from the main story.

In addition, Gracie's prose is very nice. I always feel conflicted when a writer does an excellent job with characterization, plot and even dialogue but has awkward, workmanlike prose. No such conflict here.

Part of my enjoyment of this novel probably comes from its subject matter. The journey through France and Spain is somewhat similar to that in one of my favorite romances of all time, The Suitor by Sandy Hingston. But whatever the reason, I finally feel that a Gracie novel is as gripping and enjoyable as I always hoped they would be but never quite were. Keep it up, Anne Gracie. By my count there's at least one more book left in the Perfect series. Fill it with this sort of action and intensity, and you'll hit the big times!

She Woke Up Married

Title: She Woke Up Married
Author: Suzanne MacPherson
Genre: Contemporary
Year published: 2005

Series information: a stand-alone title, but you can read about friend Marla's earlier romance in MacPherson's Risky Business.

Book Review Rating: Very Good

Why did you get this book? I've been trying to read books by members of the Seattle chapter of the RWA. MacPherson's a member, and this title intrigued me.

Do you like the cover? Love the cover! Great cartoon figures--especially the expression on the female. No uncanny valley here.

What were the high points of the book? To those readers who wish that writers would tackle realistic, modern issues in their books: this is a book for you! We've got post-partum depression, money worries, and even confidence issues based in the hero and heroine's income gap. Moreover, the secondary folks were strong characters, portrayed as complicated individuals and always pushing the plot forward. Turner Pruitt was an intriguing hero, as well. As a devout Elvis-impersonating minister, his relationship with God played an interesting role in the text. (Flitgirl, remember that discussion we once had about religion in romance tending towards the obnoxiously sappy and/or melodramatic? Meet Turner, a totally believable and complex man of faith.)

What really got to me was the relationship between the two characters. As we all know, I'm a sucker for couples who started out as friends. Plus, I just think that it's more believable when the hero and heroine have a prior relationship before they go at it like rabbits. I won't spoil the nature of their history for you. Suffice to say that it's sweet.

Finally, this writer created some truly hilarious moments. Witness:

She'd been like a vision: same crazy red hair, same beautiful, flashing green eyes. Granted, she'd had a champagne bottle in one hand and had been swigging straight out of it every few minutes. Also, it had been slighlty indelicate of her to catcall at him to "Take it off, preacher boy! Take it all off!" But he'd thrown her his silk scarf just the same. (6-7)

Any low points of the book? These two were also so clearly meant for each other--and struggling through such compelling problems--that I really wanted more page time to enjoy their happy ending!

Was the author new to you and would you read something by this author again? I vaguely remember reading something by this author when I had my wisdom teeth pulled... so for all intents and purposes, yes, a new author. I would definitely read something by her again!

Are you keeping it or passing it on? This is a library copy, so I don't own it. However, I'm recommending it to you. I'm also going to put this on my UBS must-buy list.

Anything else? I think more romance novels should feature Men Who Sing. Carrying a tune is sexy--worked for Turner Pruitt, worked for Cal Morissey. Authors, it could work for your hero, too!

Update -- State of the Novels

Flitgirl: Despite a hectic week since leaving my job (four freelance assignments, younger sister's high school graduation party and my own engagement party, and bridesmaid dress shopping with my sister), I've managed to get started on the next book in the Merry Widows series. I'm two chapters in to Aimee's story and enjoying it so much. In the sludge of all my revisions I'd forgotten what fun it is to discover a novel for the first time.

I also...[drum roll]... sent out five copies of the ms of The Wedding Widow to friends and authors I know for critiquing. This may seem like no big deal, but having objective eyes look over my draft is a huge deal for me. Up until now, my criticism (provided by the lovely Kate D. and Theresa) has been more of the cheerleading, You can do it! variety. I'm excited to get feedback, but also bracing myself.

As far as Kate's Revising Mr. Right goes, I quote from her e-mail: "Coming down to the final chapters... writing diligently... so excited."

You can do it, Kate! Everyone, get into the comments and give her those good cheerleading vibes.

Snarkilepsy: a LONG rant

Audience or author: that is the question:

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer

The slings and arrows of outrageous blog posts

Or to take arms against a sea of critics

And by opposing... multiply them?

Picture this: Changeling Press has just published the bard’s latest masterpiece, the erotic novel Shrew Taming. The cover portrays a muscled naked man (clearly CG) walking through flames (also clearly CG). Petruchio, perhaps? Whoever it’s supposed to be, the cover strikes you as ugly. You immediately make fun of it on your blog and, since you get so much site traffic, Shakespeare hears about it. Should he:

(a) address your comments on his own site;
(b) briefly and intelligently respond to your blog post;
(c) spend hours of his day torpedoing you (and any other potential readers who dare criticize any aspect of his work);
(d) ignore the Internet entirely as he composes his next masterpiece?

This may seem like a rhetorical question because, of course, Shakespeare hasn’t been exhumed to write erotica. But since modern authors must negotiate so much online criticism, it’s not rhetorical at all to ask yourself about bad reviews, rumor-mongering, and cover snark. Bloggers: how much is too much? Authors: what’s the appropriate response to critique?

Put on your seatbelts, readers. It's going to be a long and bumpy rant.

I’ll be the first to admit that I love intelligent snark. This is one of the reasons DSW heartily recommends you to follow the Smart Bitches link in our sidebar—their Ranty McRants defend our right to mock everything about the genre we love, from the medieval cover models sporting eye-shadow to the virgin secretaries who suffer amnesia after being knocked up by dashing Arabian sheiks. And if you don’t feel like producing your own criticism, satisfy yourself by reading theirs: it’s intelligent, it’s funny, and it’s clearly rooted in love for the genre’s authors and readers. (Similarly savvy soapbox thoughts to be found from Mrs. Giggles.)

Lately, the snark has spread. In fact, Karen S’s post about Changeling Press prompted a snark storm. Some of the writers’ responses prompted Indida to post this little diatribe about the relationship between readers and writers. And an anonymous someone clearly thought that the blog rants were getting out of hand, because she’s decided to criticize people who criticize other people. Sweet lord, folks: meta-snark.

I don’t know how to feel about all of this. On the one hand, I love a good blog post that sparks intriguing debate. On the other hand, I know that—regardless of whether or not I like her novels—a writer’s process and efforts deserve some respect. So, is it possible to simultaneously value and mock the romance genre? I think so. After all, a sense of humor and perspective does wonders in any aspect of life.

I’ve come late to the debate, but I can’t resist putting on my Civics Teacher Hat to share some of my thoughts:

To everyone who has an opinion: good for you. I hope you exercise your First Amendment rights and shout whatever you’re thinking to the intrigued masses. With that in mind, though, might I make a suggestion? Consider the purpose and potential impact of your words before they go public.

Put another way: don’t dish it out if you can’t take it.

To readers: Authors don’t “owe” you anything except their best possible work. If you have a blog then, by all means, critique away. As a reader, I especially appreciate other readers who give me information I can use. That said, if you absolutely can't stand an author, tell us once and then stop reading her. It's really that simple. Yes, authors are responsible for the gems and the dross that they produce—but as a consumer, you are responsible for whatever’s lurking in your TBR pile.

Indida, I thought your blog post was funny as hell, but I disagree with you. Yes, authors provide a service—but that doesn’t make them servile. Teachers and doctors also provide services, but shouldn't we respect the time, money, effort and education they’ve invested in their craft? I believe authors deserve the same respect. After all, they spend countless hours creating a novel, seeing it through publication, and enduring the reviews. That can’t be easy.

To authors: Please keep in mind that readers have a right to critically evaluate the texts that you provide—be they best-selling novels or blustering blog posts. Once it’s out in the world, it’s available for public consumption and critique. Specifically on blog posting: anything you say can and will be used against you in the court of the cash register! Your blog entries and comments become part of your public persona; which can help you (Angelina fights child poverty!) or hurt you (Author fights free speech!)

Don't get me wrong, though. I believe in your right to defend your work. There’s nothing I love more than an author’s salty, intelligent response to her critics. Just keep in mind that messy, incoherent outbursts tend to alienate people. Just look at what happened to Tom Cruise post-Oprah: he went from “A-List Box Office Sure, Sexy Thing” to “That Crazy Dude Who Jumps on Couches and Can’t Carry a Summer Blockbuster.”

Everyone, let this be your couch-jumping cautionary tale: don’t succumb to the Tom Cruise Overshare.

Kate D's June TBR Challenge--met!

As per the monthly TBR challenge over at Brianna's Mommy...

Title: A Great and Terrible Beauty
Author: Libba Bray
Genre: YA Fantasy
Year published: 2003

Why did you get this book? I got this book for several reasons. First, I enjoy young adult literature. Second, the Flitgirl spoke highly of the series last August, and I've been meaning to read it ever since.

Do you like the cover? Very much. If I'd seen it in the store, I would have been compelled to pick it up. A young woman's graceful back, bound in a lacy shift and her laced corset... what's not to love? Victorian underwear on display perfectly conveys the book's themes: freedom vs. constraint.

Did you enjoy the book? Yes! The only thing I don't enjoy is waiting to get my hands on the second book, and waiting for Libba Bray to actually publish the third. Because, really, who wouldn't want to read a series about teenage girls in Victorian England playing with potentially sinister magic? And then there's that dark, omnipresent edge of imperialism... did I mention that it all starts in India? Oh, and the mysterious Hindu hottie that I'm totally in love with, even though he's probably only supposed to be 18? I'm a dirty old woman... and there's so much here to keep me hooked...

Was the author new to you and would you read something by this author again? The author was new to me, and I am aching to finish the next book in the series (hurry up, other library patrons!)

Are you keeping it or passing it on? This is a library book, so I can't pass on the particularly copy I just read. However, it's now on my Amazon Wishlist. I'm hoping The Boyfriend gets it for my birthday, so that I can have my very own copy to reread (and loan to my friends!)

Anything else? I must endorse the writer's style once more: the content is JK Rowling meets Sharon Shinn and Robin McKinley, written in the lush prose of the Victorian era.

The Writing Life?

So here I am. Noon on a Monday, papers all around and no one but myself for company. I finally feel like a writer. Can I get myself together and act like one?

I quit my job. It's not entirely as scary as that sounds, as I'm going to graduate school in the fall. But for two and a half months I have no employment that I don't find for myself. Freelance articles, freelance press releases. And writing, writing, writing.

The first day's going well. I spent the morning contacting authors for a story I'm writing for the magazine I just left. But this whole "manage your own time" thing is a lot more terrifying than I thought it would be. All my writing assigments for this week have formed an unsettling miasma of anxiety. They swirl around, vague and indeterminate, until one pops out clear and focused to scare me a little more: Bridal Blog entry! Lost Writers assignment! HarperCollins press release! And bridesmaid dress shopping with my sister for two whole days.

How will I find the time to just sit in the park in the sunshine? How will I get to the yarn store for cones of cashmere? How will I work on Secrets & Spies (Wedding Widow's sequel) or Katie Malloy's Last Con? How will I get myself to the Library for all the research I need to do on Napoleonic spies and contemporary conmen?

One day at a time. One page at a time. Okay, back to work.

Mohamed rips off a tiny chunk of the mountain

Kate D and I are busy women. We have work and school and relationships. We have friends and family we need to call occasionally, and we have novels to write.

We also have mountains of unread books. So we've joined Brianna's To Be Read Pile Challenge, in which we must read one book from our stacks that was recommended to us by another reader. Kate is reading Libba Bray's A Great and Terrible Beauty — based on my recommendation on this very blog, I'm proud to note — and I'm reading Lani Diane Rich's Time Off For Good Behavior, based on the recommendation of pretty much the entire romance community.

We've got till the end of the month, so we'll check back soon with our reviews. In the meanwhile, why don't you dig into your stash, too? We've got some past reviews here to guide you (turn eyes to scrollbar at right).

Cutting Room Floor

What happens when you have to cut a beloved part of your first draft? Oh, I am in agonies! I wrote the following excerpt from Revising Mr. Right in response to a writing group exercise, and it doesn't fit with the rest of my novel at all. For one thing, it's written in first-person and the rest of the novel is third-person POV. For another, if I included this excerpt then I'd have to write about a whole camping trip... and that leaves them up in the woods too long. Not good. I want the ex-boyfriend to have quick and easy access to SeaTac Airport, so he can get the hell out of my narrative.

So. I know I need to cut it. And yet... it's so fun to write about men behaving badly. I feel weirdly attached to this scene. I enjoy it more than the alternative "pissing contest" I've set up over a game of pool. And I also feel bizarre and slightly naked posting it on this blog, but I wanted it to exist somewhere in the world, if only for a little while.

Soon I will feel self-conscious and paranoid and ashamed of taking up so much space on DSW. At that point, I'm sure, I'll remove it from the blogosphere. But in the mean time... here's an excerpt that won't make any sense to anyone but the Flitgirl. With that warning, please feel free to wade through my prose. And if you manage to get through to the end, riddle me this:

What's an author to do when an alien chunk of cut text feels more fun than the rest of her draft, but would spin the final third of her (much beleaguered) manuscript in a wholly new direction?

* * * * *

Revising Mr. Right
by Kate Diamond
Jessica Jo Carter, the heroine, tells her story (excerpt):

Bad things happen when I feel generous. Case in point: Walter sitting in the cab of Jude's truck, his knees not quite relaxed because he doesn't want his khakis making any more contact than necessary with the old, duct-taped bench seat.

I'm literally sitting between the two of them, wishing I could be anywhere but here--except not really, because then they'd be alone in the vehicle without my specialized supervision. Perish the thought.

I never should have said yes to this. It was supposed to be just like old times, a birthday camping trip--leave the presents in the trunk, hike in enough cupcakes and Ramen to last us the weekend. The only difference was that now we were actually old enough to bring beer. Oh, and Becca was on her cell phone every five minutes making sure her deadbeat husband hadn't managed to lose, mangle, or kill their kid in her absence.

And Walter. Walter was suddenly there, too, an outlier with his oatmeal colored Eddie Bauer sweater and barely concealed hostility. Why my ex thought it so important to join us--to the tune of $800 in new camping equipment--was beyond me. Personally, I could have done without the Cape Cod contingency.

He didn't really love me. I think we both knew that by now. When I'd told him to get over himself and go back to Boston, I think he was just annoyed to hear the word "no." I mean, let's face it: we were never the best match on earth. He spent countless hours drilling me in etiquette and railing against my aversion to pantyhose and high heels. And from my point of view, no true romantic should ever marry a guy who thinks faxing a prenup counts as proposing.

He knew all this. I'm sure he did. But Walter? Walter hated to lose. For that reason he refused to leave without a fight, and Jude seemed more than willing to give him one. This left me on horrified standby, wondering why men's logic seems to drop as their testosterone levels rise. Suddenly, my childhood best friend felt the need to pose and beat his chest over me--would probably drag me around by my hair if I let him. It was creepy. More than that, it was obnoxious. After all, thanks to Jude's lack of maturity my nostalgic birthday trip was about to turn into some sort of nature boy pissing contest.

If he'd listened to me, we'd all be spared some heartache. I'd told him he'd win any kind of contest against Walter, hands down. I'd said that he was my choice, that I was staying the Northwest for good this time, and that I wanted to make things work between the two of us. But apparently Jude didn't believe me. Either that, or he felt the need to test my love by goading my ex in the great outdoors.

I'd tried to change his mind that night at the bar, when he first issued the invitation--or was it challenge? I'd made another effort when we were packing up the food supplies and adding extra rations for Walter. This morning was my last attempt. By mile twenty, I'd realized that Jude refused to hear anything I'd try to say to him. He was too busy being macho, singing along with Johnny Cash to the "Cocaine Blues."

"Don't you have anything else we could listen to?" Walter practically hissed.

"Sorry, Walt," Jude laughed, not sounding sorry at all. If we hadn't caught the insincerity in his voice, the fact that he then turned up the volume was a big tip-off. And I couldn't believe he had the audacity to glare at me, as if this was somehow my fault.

I crossed my arms over my chest and hoped he could read my mind: no sleeping bag nookie for you, Neanderthal Boy. Finished glaring at my annoying beloved, I stared out the windshield at the car up ahead of us.

Hmm. All things considered, maybe I should have ridden with Becca after all.

* * * * *

All rights reserved. No part of this Revising Mr. Right excerpt may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever without the author's written permission except in the case of brief, credited quotations embodied in critical comments.

Oh. My. Gawd

I'm done.

DONE.

DONE!

No more plot holes. No more rewrites. No more fixing.

I'm e-mailing it to my first writer acquaintence tonight. Sending it in the mail to others (and to the long-suffering Kate D.) as soon as I can get my ass to Kinkos.

Holy crap, I'm actually doing this. I know I'm not sending it to agents and editors yet, but I'm still nervous at the thought of someone who doesn't know and love me, someone in the biz with an objective eye, reading over this thing I've created. My people, my world, all 418 pages worth of it.

Okay, Wedding Widow, it's in your hands now. I've got to get started researching con men. The next book's not going to write itself.

A blog by any other name...

Would not be Damned Scribbling Women, unfortunately. But if I haven't been blogging here much of late about romance and romance writing, I have been blogging elsewhere about love.

I'd love all of DSW's dedicated readers (however many that may be) to check out my new writing venture at the New York Observer's Bridal Blog, where I'm one of several brides and a few grooms blogging about our wedding plans. All names and identities are real names and identities, so here's a hint to identify my posts: I didn't recently discover I'm pregnant, I don't run a profitable wedding stationery business, and I'm having a full-on, girly-as-all-hell wedding in July '07.

Enjoy!

Anyone for Travel Lit?

I ask this question for several reasons.

(1) I recently read Sarah Vowell's Assassination Vacation, which is an excellent book. Seriously. Highly recommended for anyone who likes American history, historical plaques, and road trips to obscure landmarks and/or graveyards. (Yes, Theresa, this means you...)

(2) I'm currently writing a course prospectus for my Pacific Northwest independent study. The students in this theoretical class I'm creating are writing a regional travel guide for their final Geography assessment...

(3) ...which makes me want to go on a real road trip to some of these places I'm looking at, but instead I'm stuck here, slogging away at all this stuff that's due June 5th. (Pause. Panic.)

(4) Writing a course for Pacific Northwest History makes me think about how much I'd love to teach an interdisciplinary humanities course entitled "Travel Literature," in which students read such edifying works as Assassination Vacation and Confederates in the Attic. Perhaps a bit of Bill Bryson, as well? And then they go on their own road trip to inspire a final project travel memoir... a bit farfetched, I know, but a teacher can dream...

(5) And then I think, why aren't there more romance novels about road trips? Does anyone know any good ones? 'Twould be a great summer read.

(5) And finally, being stuck inside writing curriculum on a gorgeous Memorial Day makes me want to rip my hair out and/or take a mini-break away from it all. Alas, I haven't the time. Instead, I shall have to content myself with taking a mental mini-break, back to a more carefree time when The Boyfriend took me on a day-trip to the Skagit Valley Tulip Festival and I was free to take pretty photos of my beloved... Ah, memories...



So, to get back to the point: anyone have any good travel literature recommendations for the theoretical class I wish to teach someday? Or, better yet, can you add some road trip romance novel titles to my summer reading list?

Now what is love? I pray thee, tell

Yet what is love? I pray thee sain.
It is a sunshine mixed with rain;
It is a tooth-ache, or like pain;
It is a game where none hath gain;
The lass saith no, and would full fain:
And this is love, as I hear sain.

Yet what is love? I pray thee say.
It is a yea, it is a nay,
A pretty kind of sporting fray;
It is a thing will soon away;
Then take the vantage while you may:
And this is love, as I hear say.
— Sir Walter Raleigh

The spirited debate on love--functional, dysfunctional, ethical, selfish and otherwise--that the Grey's Anatomy finale inspired in our comments section got me pondering the subject that dramatists, poets, etc. have pondered for centuries. Does true love require pain? Madness? The rejection of all else? Or is it something far more rational and practical and orderly?

Seeing that I'm an aspiring romance novelist, my take on the subject may surprise. But I don't believe in perfect love. I don't believe "true" love is willing to flout all laws, conventions and morals to be with the loved object. I believe what a lot of people celebrate as true love is really just redirected narcissismism.

I do believe in soul mates. I do believe there is a right person out there for everyone. But I also know that keeping a marriage together takes work and effort and sacrifice, and that a person who behaves wrongly toward others in the name of "love" will eventually behave wrongly in spite of love.

So how does a girl write romance without all the angst? Very carefully. Romance novels require confusion and obstacles and arguments and missed cues and mixed messages. But I hope that my characters have a kindness toward each other and an understanding of each other that transcends the drama. I hope they behave better because of their relationship, not worse. I hope to never write a book in which readers can't picture my characters having a happy, contented, fulfilling life together after the action is finished. I'd like my eventual readers to be able to close the book and picture my characters as an old man and woman sitting alone in a room, not saying anything but happy to be near one another. That to me is true love.

Final Word on Grey's Finale

ON THE SUBJECT OF IZZIE, CONT.

Kate D: Is it wrong that in this whole storyline, the thing I liked most was Alex? I mean which would you rather see: Psychotic Barbie having a meltdown, or Evil Seed Ken riding to her unwarranted (but totally hot) rescue? You're right, Flit. There's something wonderful about Alex Karev.

Flitgirl: If you're wrong, I never ever want to be right. That was an uncomfortable moment for me, solely because I was watching the show with a passel of rabid Denny fans (who knew?) who were sobbing their eyes out and I wanted to cheer. At least this story line is over. And the possibility of Izzy and Alex's much more fun type of banter is...?

But really, Izzy didn't deserve her friends to stand up for her like that, and she doesn't deserve to be a doctor. She fell in love with a patient. I know, blah blah can't help who you fall in love with. Bullshit. She didn't have to let herself go down that path. She knew it was wrong. And this is the perfect illustration of why. Her emotional involvement caused her to make stupid illegal decisions that endangered her patient, threatened the hospital and deprived a guy with two kids of a heart.

I'm torn. I want the character on the show, but I'll be really, really mad if they let her get away with this.

Kate D: Yeah, I loved the show of intern solidarity... but her behavior was totally unethical and she didn't deserve it. (The others were a little unethical, too, but I can be forgiving of them.) Still, the sight of George and Alex walking out with her like bodyguards at the end was pleasing. Though I must say, the pink dress only solidified everything that annoyed me about Emotionally Unstable Izzie. Buy your CoDependent Barbie today! Now dressed for the prom! Ick.

Flitgirl: Or a new special series from Harlequin, “I Have No Life Of My Own.” Please get this character back on track. Confused and emotional I can handle. Morbidly self-destructive and feminist nightmare I can not. (BTW I just peeked into the Writer's Blog on the official site. Holy Crap do people love Denny. Like, want-to-kill-their-husbands-and-children-for-a-chance-to-have-a-real-life-Denny love. What are we missing, Kate?)

ON THE SUBJECT OF CALLIE, CONT.

Flitgirl: I think Sara Ramirez is gorgeous (and much smaller in person) but it may have been a mistake to pair her with such a little man. They're so well matched I kept thinking they were going to get into a physical altercation in that hallway.

Kate D: Okay, I'm glad I'm not the only one. I was waiting for a little domestic violence in the OR... and any hits George got in would definitely be in self-defense. Hm. Can I just say for the record that I'm still in love with George? I realize this puts me in the minority, but I don't care. In fact, I kind of like it. He's mine. All mine.I loved what he had to say to Callie about making it mean something when he said "I love you" back, though I have my doubts that this particular couple will ever actually get there.

And one of my favorite moments of the show had to be when George and Meredith were left in time-out together and he apologized to her for his actions on The Night That Shall Not Be Named. How marvelous. Coupled with his explanation to Callie that Meredith is family, and he can be pissed at her but he'll always defend her? So pleasant. Also, nice that Callie tied Meredith's dress for her after McSkeazy dirty-mistress-ied her up.

Flitgirl: I forgot that dress-tying moment, and I really liked it. But I wonder if it will have repercussions. Callie's not an intern so she doesn't have that loyalty. And she doesn't like Meredith.

George finally admitting his own culpability in The Night of Crying Sex was much needed. Even the rabid Denny-fans/George-haters I watched with agreed.

Kate D: Who are these George-haters? Why are you friends with them? Just kidding. I think. (I feel a need to soften up that last comment with a little punctuation smiley face, but then I would be That Girl Who Crossed Into Emoticon Land and it might be over for me.)

ON THE SUBJECT OF MCLAMEASS, CONT.

Flitgirl: I feel for Addison so much, but this was inevitable, wasn't it? And...kinda hot? I think this storyline will go in one of two ways. Either: Meredith and Derek get back together and Addison is hurt and has lots of sympathy and finds herself a great new man who appreciates her and loves her and has sex in ORs with her. Or: Meredith won't get back together with Derek because of all the "You did the right thing" talk to the Chief. I think the latter's more likely, but I hope Addie still gets the OR-sex-having new man.

Kate D: Wow. This sex scene revealed that I am actually quite a prude. Here I am, big bad romance novelist-in-embryo... and yet the sight of McDreamy rolling down Meredith's nylons made me blush. It might have been hot, except I kept thinking "You adulterous bastard!" Sorry, Flit. I just can't get behind McDreamy on this one. Now all he needs to do is have sex with Izzie and it can be Lack of Ethics Fest 2006. I think Nicole B. over on the writer's web said it best when she posted, "So McDreamy and McTramp'n'whiny got it on." (Implication: so what?)

I've got to say that I would love for Addison to meet a man. A nice man. One who is not a surgeon, but is brilliant in his own way. Maybe she could knock boots with McVet. Or maybe they could introduce a professor from UW and they could have hot tweed jacket sex surrounded by books? (Pause. Kate D retreats to her own private fantasy world.)

ON THE SUBJECT OF PATIENTS

Flitgirl: Hey it's Tessa Thompson (aka Jackie) from Veronica Mars playing the Chief's niece (You don't want to know how many VM actors I've spotted on this show. I think someone in the casting department has a thing for Kristen Bell). That was a sweet story...but why the hell were all the doctors in the hospital at the prom? Shortsighted much?

Kate D: I think it's so we could see them all in formal wear. And on that subject... awh, Addison was a band geek. How cute is that? And yet how horrible. Poor Addy. You had a horrible prom the first time, and the second time is actually worse because your date/husband is leaving you to screw the intern. Again. And he's not really making a secret of what he's done with the guilty McPuppy Eyes. Bastard.

Flitgirl: Patrick Dempsey, Chris O'Donnell and Justin Chambers in tuxes. I think I see the rationale now.

ON THE SUBJECT OF BURKETINA, CONT.

Kate D: I spent two whole hours screaming at the screen, "What the hell is Christina's problem? Character violation! Violation!" I know the woman has commitment issues, but she was there when Burke needed her after Musical Heart Guy died. I refuse to believe that she couldn't handle this. Thank God for hand-squeezing at the end... I almost had to threaten to stop watching the show.

Flitgirl: That didn't seem like character assassination to me. It was frustrating and painful to watch, but felt in character. Christina's a runner. But more than that, what was in jeopardy here was Burke's future as a surgeon. I don't think there was anyway Christina could process that rationally and put aside her own preoccupations. She's a rather selfish person, still. But I'm glad they pulled them back together. They're still my favorite couple.

Kate D: I guess you're right. She needed time to process. But I'm glad they got them back together... because on the one hand it seemed like she was being selfish, and I couldn’t take it. But then she talked to the chief and I was like "Aha!" And finally she showed up with Burke and I got all warm and fuzzy.

Flitgirl: Oh, that conversation with the chief. Send Sandra Oh her Emmy already. She was heartbreaking.

Grey's Season 2, First Finale Analysis

ON THE SUBJECT OF IZZIE

Kate D: Okay, watching her freak out in Denny's room I actually felt uncomfortable. I squirmed and covered my eyes because I couldn't stand watching a previously rational woman whine, "What about me? Don't go towards the light!" I was aching for her to get caught.

Flitgirl: DIE DENNY, DIE!!!!

Ahem, now that that's over with. What are the writers doing to one of my favorite characters? She worked her ass off to get out of the trailer park and into med school. She gave up her daughter for adoption to build a better, different life for herself. And now she's declaring "I don't care about my medical career!" for the sake of some unshaven lug who talks through his chin? Did they forget who she is and where she's come from? Is there some in-character justification for this I just don't see? Or did the writers' yank this out of their collective ass because they thought it would be dramatic? Why? WHY??????

Kate D: I agree. It felt like character violation… maybe one of the reasons I was so uncomfortable. And then at the end, when she pulls George into her mess, all I could think was that I hope he doesn’t get in trouble for her stupidity.

I’ve got to say, I’m really not happy with this storyline. One of the things I originally loved about this show was the prevalence of strong female characters—yes, they may have been flawed. But they were brilliant and capable and ultimately admirable. Now, Izzie is a nightmare romance novel heroine—she works really hard for a career and then gives it all up for some toss-pot she barely knows. Ugh. Enough soap opera drama already—we liked it back when the characters had some intelligence!

ON THE SUBJECT OF CALLIE

Flitgirl: I love Sara Ramirez, the actress. She was fantastic in Spamalot. But I'm confused about why Callie has turned from this ballsy here's-my-number chick into whimpering, cowering why-don't-you-like-me-enough girl. I'm not sure if this is realistic character development, but even if it is, I don't find it all that interesting to watch. At least George got some and can move on to a more appropriate (i.e. more sane) love interest. Which, I agree at last with Kate, he deserves.

Kate D: Word on the ballsy-to-cowering transformation. Though, have you noticed that, in addition to the lack of strength, she's started being mean? When we first met Callie, you got this sense that she was Hot Edgy Goth Chick. Now, she’s making fun of Meredith because her puppy has bone cancer. Who the hell does that? Not Nice.

ON THE SUBJECT OF MCLAME-ASS

Flitgirl: Okay, I have a confession...I like McDreamy. He's hot. (I just watched the fab ABC Family movie Lucky Number Seven again over the weekend so I'm kind of in a Patrick Dempsey can do no wrong stage). And...I like elevator scenes with Meredith and Derek.

But more than either of them, I love Addison. She's a fantastic surgeon, she's strong and beautiful, she's willing to fight for her marriage, own up to her mistakes, and finally, FINALLY, call Derek on his passive-aggressive victim act. She deserves soooo much better. Hers is the romantic journey I want to follow. Don't ever change, Addie! Mwah.

Kate D: Three cheers for Addie. 'Nough said.

ON THE SUBJECT OF BURKETINA

Flitgirl: Holy crap! Keep Burke alive!

Kate D: I’m going to be severely pissed if they do some sort of organ-donor “hardest choice I ever had to make” thing. Who gets the heart—Burke or Denny? Millions of lame women all over America will be squealing in the hopes that Denny lives, while I hurl popcorn at the screen and cheer him towards the light.

Or is it going to be one of these lame-ass things where Denny gets Burke’s heart and we lose Hot Turtleneck Surgeon for Sunken Neck “Virile” Man-Child? Oh, please. I hope not. There's only so much parallel storyline I can take. Besides, Isaiah Washington has created a fascinating, complex, and capable character. Unless the man had contract negotiation issues, I don’t see any way they could ethically replace him with Lame Guest Star Who Needs to Shave.

Live Free Or... Shop At Barnes & Nobles?

Interesting article in Slate today about the importance or lack thereof of the "death" of the independent bookstore. I have to ruefully confess that I do most of my bookshopping, such as it is, at the Barnes and Noble 4 blocks from my apartment. But when I'm at my parents' home in the suburbs, I split my time between the chain store and the local book and record exchange, where I buy (and unload) most of my romance reading.

I haven't found a similarly great, romance-based used book store here in the city. Is there one? If any of our phantom readers knows of a great NYC store, holla, okay? As it is, I'm forced to unload the non-keepers on my unsuspecting – err, grateful friends.

For all Tyler Cowen's pooh-poohing of the importance of the indies, I think the fill an important function in genre fiction. While independent general bookstores have faded away, those focused on romance or mystery or children's writing still manage to persist. Perhaps it's because, with the tremendous volume of books published in each of those areas each month, let alone each year, readers value the guidance ofknowledgeablee owners who can steer them toward great newcomers and away from the duds.

Or maybe I'm crazy and those stores are all fading just as fast.

How about you? Where do you buy your books? What's your take on Indies vs. Chainies (Cheneys!)?

Employed in Oly

It's official: I'm no longer a starving not-quite-artist with zero job prospects and stupid PowerPoint presentations to distract me from my novel. I still have the looming PowerPoint reports... and the creeping fear that all this sociology work is causing atrophy in my historian's brain. But I am no longer an unemployed waif.

That's right. I came, I saw, I conquered: after sending out one job application, I am now the proud recipient of one job offer. Huzzah! Looks like I'll be relocating to Olympia, Washington at some point this summer. I'll be teaching 9th grade Language Arts at my old high school, which means I'll get to build curriculum for Romeo & Juliet and To Kill A Mockingbird. I'll also have front row seats to The Boyfriend's awkward interactions with former teachers--that's right, we went to the same high school--whenever I force him to attend office Christmas parties. Oh, yes. The stories I shall be telling on this blog!

In addition to my new role of "adult with 401(k)," I'm also going to inherit a cat. Oh, and did I mention that I'm going to be an aunt? Yes, my sister-in-law is pregant. With triplets. Hence part of my desire to move back to Olympia... my brother's going to be outnumbered by babies from the get-go, and I figure they're going to need lots of help.

A house with a yard. A job teaching great literature. A cat. No more stupid PowerPoint reflections on What I've Learned About Performance Assessment. No more roommates to distract me from Chapter Twelve of The Neverending Novel. And babies. Blood-relative babies that I can love and spoil and introduce to The Paper Bag Princess, all without a single mandatory diaper-changing...

Toes on the Cliff's Edge

It's official. I'm afraid to finish my book. I have a quarter of one chapter left to revise and I just...can't...do it. There's nothing more terrifying than staring into the void of queries, slush piles and rejections.

I have made two baby-steps in the right direction. First, after years of talking, thinking and planning about it, I finally joined RWA (Romance Writers of America, for the uninitiated). I'm going to go to my NY local chapter meeting on June 3rd. I have a huge packet of Editors and Agents in the industry (they're in caps because that's how I think of them) with everything they seek to acquire and their addresses. And it's recent as of May '06.

Second, I've been e-mailing my writer acquaintances and asking if they'll look over my ms. You never know, one of them could love it so much they refer me to their Agent. A girl can dream. Even if they don't, feedback from a professional is always worthwhile.

Finally, I'm going to rework my prologue and first chapter for submission in my first contest on June 1st. With Kate D's copious assistance, of course.

And then I free fall?

Beacon from the Past

Fun fact: long before the advent of blogs, I was keeping old-fashioned paper journals. I have diaries dating back to seventh grade, when each entry was basically an excuse to use purple ink and dot my i's with hearts.

In a fit of trying-to-avoid-my-second-sex-scene, I told myself that I needed to get out my old journals and look through them for writing inspiration. The high school years were too dramatic to face (I regret to say I used excessive capital letters like a Victorian novelist) but the college years have been hilarious to revisit. I'm not sure I'll ever use any of this for writing inspiration, but it certainly is fun to explore old angst. For instance, this entry is from the summer right after college, when I was living on the Jersey shore and working at a bed-and-breakfast:

I must admit, the day did not begin auspiciously. There are always one or two obnoxious guests at the Beacon House and this morning was no exception. It's always the bottle blondes, I swear. This one chastized me for the dust on the sideboard, admonished Theresa for not clearing the table quickly enough, and complained that her tea water tasted faintly of coffee. We had a great time in the service kitchen bitching about her. She was not as bad as the hungover aerobics instructor, however. She and her friends, I think, merely existed as a warning to me and Theresa. They were the early 30-somethings from Hell. Watching them, Theresa and I decided to perform mercy killings upon one another if we ever show signs of 1) living our lives to be hung over every weekend 2) yelling at service staff for such inconsequential things as not topping off coffee to the imaged appropriate centimeter 3) contemplating affairs with married men and finally 4) ever making a living off of Jazzercise.

This, dear people, is why we need friends. Gal pals keep us sane, whole, and in touch with that little thing I like to call reality. This is also why I feel that the friend characters in romance novels have to be absolutely excellent. Your heroine's best friend must be able to steer her away from crushes on men who a) are married and b) do Jazzercise.

In honor of best friends everywhere, I ask you: of the novels you've read, what novels contain the best "friend" characters ?

Support Our Show!

At the risk of turning this into a tv-recap site rather than a romance reading/writing blog, I have to interrupt our irregularly scheduled posting to alert all readers to the fact that tonight is the season, possibly the series, finale of my, nay our, beloved Veronica Mars.

Please watch. For me? Okay, not for me, watch for you. If this show gets the dreaded c-word (no, not see you next Tuesday) I'm throwing away my tv and reveling in old episodes of Lois & Clark and my season 1 Veronica DVDs. My show needs you. SUPPORT MY SHOW!

Ahem. 9 pm. UPN (Channel 9 in New York). I swear you'll love it, even if you have no idea what's going on. They're solving a bus crash! Epic (teenage) love! She's smart and feisty!

Don't make me come after you. I'm wily.

Grey's Anatomy: Damage Case

I must comment on last night's episode of Grey's Anatomy. Indulge me. I'm a dork. Without further ado, here are ten things that stuck out about "Damage Case."

(1) Damaged Hillbillies: Ha, ha, ha. A Hillbilly family got into a car crash. The mother powders her face in traction. She refers to her vagina as her "good girl." And the way they're all yelling at each other from various gurneys is like a frantic Walton family hollering goodnight to John-boy... but then it gets sad. And then it gets really sad. And then I start crying and feeling guilty because this poor guy might lose the 22-year-old big haired, hillbilly love of his life and how could I have laughed like that?

(2) Alex-hole: Just when I think I'll never forgive Karev for being an egocentric slime-wad, he does something semi-nice... because let's be honest, the man could never be purely nice, and therein lies the appeal. He might be evil, and he might betray his colleagues and his friends, but he'll never be a saccharine or self-righteous bore like Izzy. What other intern could manage to be morose after saving a baby's life? Who else would belittle an attending with such a complete lack of self-preservation? The man coined the term "She-Shepherd." For that alone, I love him... and I think it would be so, so great if he ended up joining the loathed Vagina Squad.

(3) She-Shepherd: Do you remember those fargone days when Addison was a Harpie Bitch Queen who was not worthy of McDreamy? What a difference a season makes! I have so much sympathy for this woman, and I'm so tired of seeing her make all this effort in her marriage while McFuck-Up (MFU) does his best to string two women along. Yeah, she slept with his best friend and this was a terrible, terrible thing. But she's trying to make amends. She doesn't play the victim every episode. And she doesn't sigh and cast come-hither-not-really gazes on defenseless interns. So I like her better than MFU.

(4) MFU: To all of the fans who persist in viewing Derek Shepherd as Meredith's Tragically Heroic Soulmate, I have this to say to you: stop smoking crack and get over it. This isn't the first time I've expressed my opinion regarding Derek's unfair I-can't-have-you-but-I-fully-intend-to-string-you-along behavior. But he reached new lows in this eppy. This man lied to Meredith about being married. He strung her along as he "made his choice." He keeps stringing her along with warm gazes and regretful one-liners, not the least of which was when he showed up in the wee smas after the bomb threat to say asinine things in Meredith's living room. Now he yelled at her in front of others, called her a whore in the stairwell, and mumbled bitterly that it was over before sweeping off like an over dramatic thirteen-year-old girl. People, it should be over. Really. But I don't think it is. And like me, you should be queasy over that prospect.

(5) Finn-tastic: In striking counterpoint to McTantrum-McAngry-McDouble Standard-McFuck Up, Chris O'Donnell's granola crunching vet is absolutely delightful. The man cooks. He treats Meredith to witty banter. He's not pulling her easy access slut-slut lever and getting her into bed. Instead he gives her wine and teases her that she's scary and damaged. He takes her to look at horse birth. And he's a vet... which makes him a rare breed, indeed. (Check the numbers, people. It's much harder to get into vet school than med school.) His speech at the end made me want to run my fingers through his hair and help him shave. Ah, McVet. Unlike some people you have cause to act like a whiny prima donna... and yet you don't. Marry me.

(6) Don't Mess this Mojo: I've got to say, I am not happy with this week's tension (and season finale's implied tension/breakup) between Christina and Burke. I love them together, and I think the dramatic possibilities within the relationship are much more interesting than creating yet another angsty we-broke-up-and-we've-got-awkward-colleague-stuff-happening dynamic. Was it just last week that we saw Christina comforting Burke after the death of Musical Heart Guy? Come on. More dancing around the kitchen together as Christina brushess her teeth. More competitive board game double dates. Less with the anger. Please? Thank you!

(7) Izzy's Tizzy: We have here a curvaceous, driven trailer park alumna who put herself through college despite the fact that her mother squandered her tuition money on a psychic. Getting to college involved no small sacrifice: in addition to her painfully public career as Bethany Whisper, Izzy also had a painfully secret teen pregnancy that ended with her daughter's adoption. Given all of this, why is she flirting with disaster in the form of DeadMeat Denny? Come on! I like the guy, too, but that's no reason to blow off an entire career. Besides, he's clearly toast. So stop smearing yourself all over the hospital bed already.

(8) Creepy Callie: Was anyone else delicously skeazed by Callie's morning bathroom appearance? It was hilarious, but I've got to say that when The Boyfriend was living with people I always put a shirt on before heading to the bathroom. Never assume that the roommates are gone and you can prance around naked. After all, they pay rent. You don't. But maybe I'm just being critical because I have yet to warm up to George-Callie. Maybe I just can't forgive her for the tragic haircut she inflicted on George. Or maybe I just think she's creepy and a little crazy and living in a boiler room.

(9) You Go, John Cho: Who'd have thought that guy from Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle could convey such pathos? I like the fact that the person who caused the Hillbilly Car Crash didn't have a medically valid excuse for his behavior. He didn't get to say to himself, "Oh, I have a tumor so I don't have to feel guilty." Instead, the fact that he was a sleep-deprived intern made it so much more poignant. When he escaped from Meredith to go observe the surgery, my heart broke a little. I'd also like to say the fact that they had an Asian intern makes me so happy... I feel like the multicultural casting on this show breaks a lot of prime time boundaries. It's also an accurate representation of Seattle.

(10) O'Malley Moment: I heart George. Really. Give me O'Malley over McDreamy any day. His interactions with Meredith in this show didn't get much buzz on the writer's blog, but they were the highlight of my Sunday night. He shows compassion. He extends the olive branch. And he still clearly has feelings for her, yet doesn't call her a whore in a stairwell. I can't say more than this. All I know is that I want to watch that scene in the locker room over again, where they're sitting there in awkward silence and he just says, "I'll see you at home." Melt, people. Melt.

Feel free to comment on the episode, my obsession, or the fact that I wrote this when I should be constructing a Personal Impact Plan for the purposes of No Child Left Behind.

"Romance," circa 1983

Hint, dear publishers: “no” means “no.”

Be forewarned: this is not the pleasant, light reading you usually find on this blog. No, this is a rant inspired by my recent perusal of How to Write Romance Novels That Sell, a writing guide from 1983. If you've ever read any romance in your life, please do the scribbling women a favor... read this post, read the comments, and join this important discussion.

I was glowing with excitement when the vintage writing book fell into my possession—after all, I love gendered advice books from bygone eras. Sadly, though, some of the writing advice was so distasteful that I couldn’t even label it as “quaint.” Instead, it angered me. For instance:

The most innocent of romances implies that the hero, if he so desires, can rape the heroine. The reader must be aware that the hero is free to do with the heroine as he likes. His size in comparison to hers helps to remind us that he is in control. That he doesn’t take advantage of her characterizes him and shows how truly he loves her.

Um… excuse me?! So, the hero should somehow score nice guy points because he doesn’t commit a degrading and illegal assault on the heroine? I don’t think so! Picture me vomiting. Then picture me reading onward with increasing horror as I was advised:

The reader must not feel disgusted by the actual rape scene. Early in the “bodice-ripper” romance plot, the heroine is usually raped by the hero; and we must remain sympathetic with both characters…These rapes are more acts of passion than of violence, and we mustn’t feel as we would while reading about an actual rape.[1]

Newsflash, people: rape is rape. It’s never okay, and I can pretty much guarantee that if your novel contains a forced sex scene, I’m going to spend the rest of the book waiting for the heroine to press charges and slap the "hero’s" ass in jail.

How’s that for disgust?

To be fair, I think the genre has come a long way in the twenty-plus years since this writing book was published. But reading this dated, appalling “advice” only serves to remind me that we still have work to do. I’m still reading too many stories about sissy heroines who find their hero’s domineering ways appropriate, attractive, and manly. I’m still reading about supposedly hot “anger sex” that treads a fine line between consensual and… well, something quite icky.*

Alpha males are one thing, folks, but reinforcing dangerous stereotypes and behavior—that’s something else, entirely.

* * * * *

[1] Marilyn M. Lowery, How to Write Romance Novels that Sell (Macmillan Publishing Company, New York) 1983, p.75.

* My definition of supposedly hot anger sex: Usually occurs in a historical when the hero comes home from some sort of physical altercation. His blood lust is up, he basically ravages his wife, then goes into a total shame spiral only to discover that the little woman “likes it rough.” She, of course, would never think to ask for a tempestuous quickie… she merely participate when her husband initiates. Is it just me, or is there a squick factor here?

Wanted: One Teaching Job

Kate: I’m afraid I can’t get you a job. But I can get you a sheik, which must be worth something. Hang in there, hot stuff.

~Jaime

Job-hunting, how I loathe thee.

Yet how I love the support I've received from various friends and fellow sufferers as I attempt to find gainful employment. Witness Jaime, several time zones away, who sent me The Sheik and the Virgin Secretary in order to brighten my job-hunting saga. Witness the haiku written by a classmate despairing over ever getting her placement file finished:

Job hunting trauma
Forms, letters, references
Please, God—employment!

It looks like I may have an interview this week down in Olympia. Now, assuming that I actually get the interview, and then assuming that I get the job... do I want to take the position? It would mean moving an hour south of Seattle. Olympia is not nearly so urban, but it is the capital. So my Language Arts teaching would suffer from a lack of theatrical variety, but what a great place to teach Civics!

So, aside from the appalling lack of good Indian food, a Trader Joe's, and all my friends (who will be living in Seattle) it's ideal. After all, in Olympia I can afford to rent (and then eventually buy) a house. The Boyfriend and I grew up in Oly, so perhaps if we moved back our parents would stop nagging us to bear grandchildren. But should I ever reproduce, I would be happy to send my children to any school in the area. I will be closer to the ocean, and Mt. Rainier. And if I move to Olympia, my gardening/pet ownership fantasies are totally within the realm of possibility.

Finally, as nerdy as this is, there's the farmer's market. I know, I know. Seattle has Pike's Place. But let's face it, people. Fighting your way through the crowds at Pike's Place makes even the most good-natured tourist want to poke her eyes out with a Space Needle figurine. Imagine how it feels for the natives, who just want to avoid the flying fish and get some cheap veggies for dinner.

Basically I'm leaning towards Olympia. That is, of course, if they offer me a job (that's right, in addition to all the benefits I just listed, I would be done with my job search).

I guess I just need everyone else to tell me it's okay to leave the metropolis and head towards a smaller, greener town. Be honest, though: does making a fiscally responsible choice at the age of 25 mean that I've turned into a hideous bore?